The Manila Times: Bi-sexual

Jaret, 31, gives a sexual orientation of a different kind. Openly bisexual, Jaret talks about the masculine gay man and liking both men and women.

 

“Orientation”—whether one likes guys or girls—is a spectrum. Most people are on the straight end, some people are on the gay end, and yet others are somewhere in the middle, and not necessarily right smack in the middle. Some bisexuals are “more straight” and some are “more gay.”

 
“Demeanor” or how masculine/feminine one acts is also a spectrum, one that’s totally independent of orientation. Although in the Filipino setting, the stereotype of the gay man is one of that of the totally effeminate. One would be hard-pressed to find examples of a masculine gay man, and when one does, it is questioned whether the said gay man is really masculine or just acting that way because he’s hiding his orientation.

That being said, I have to mention that I came from the “gay” end of the spectrum. I started off gay and eventually liked girls as opposed to starting off straight and realizing I liked guys. I realized at the early age of seven that I was more attracted to guys instead of girls. One could make all sorts of hypotheses as to how my orientation came about, but I personally posit that being in an all-male environment (school), with my precocious curiosity towards other males and females unsatisfied were the biggest contributors.

It wasn’t much of a discovery, apart from realizing that I was “different”. It was something I almost took for granted, if not for the need to pretty much keep it under wraps as I also realized early on that it was not such an acceptable characteristic. And apart from “urges” that one couldn’t act upon, it was pretty much easy because I still naturally maintained a male identity and demeanor—naturally in the sense that it wasn’t forced.

I haven’t told my biological family. I’m not particularly close to them, but I suspect that they know or at least suspect.

I came out for the first time to my college barkada when I professed my attraction towards one of them.
It was a big mess at the time with some pretty polarized opinions as would be expected, but everything turned out ok eventually. The guy eventually became my best friend. Looking back, I remember it being a very emotional experience and I don’t know how I had the courage to come out at a pretty early age of 17.

I have friends in their late 20s to 30s who are still quite deep in the closet. Perhaps it’s because I really do have such a strong self-identity that I couldn’t bear to hide. And I don’t know if I’m lucky to have known such cool and accepting people.

My discovery about liking girls came very gradually much later on.

I had two “girlfriends” back when I didn’t really actively like girls all that much yet. I didn’t tell them that I preferred guys. I guess looking back they were just “beards” (to make me look like more masculine), and it was good for my ego that these girls liked me. Or maybe it was being polyamorous that allowed me to like girls, as it is a framework that allows me to have a relationship with a guy and a girl at the same time.

As far as marriage is concerned, I have absolutely no plans. I intend to continue having relationships—yes, plural—with both men and women as they come.

I used to be a fence sitter regarding kids. I maintained way back that wanting to have one’s own biological offspring to propagate one’s genes is just ego, what with overpopulation and so many children in need of adoption. A part of me still thinks that, while a part of me wants to give in to ego anyway since I do think I have genes worth passing on. I once joked that I’d have kids in 2012—the joke being it must be the end of the world as we know it if I’m to have kids. But I’m now thinking that seems to be as good a time as any to start. I do imagine a big household of biological and adopted kids and various partners of both genders five to 10 years from now.

Presently, there is still a preference for guys (70 to 30), but I’m moving towards equalizing it eventually. It’s just easier to relate with guys, being a guy myself and since most of my experience has been dealing with guys, both gay and straight. I seem to attract and am attracted to women with strong personalities and the not-so-secure guys, so it’d be like comparing apples and oranges.

I’ve noticed that the term “bisexual” seems to have been misappropriated in the Filipino setting to mean “masculine gay man.” And that has contributed to the idea that guys who call themselves bisexual are really just gay guys who don’t want to wholly own up to being gay.

So, to clarify, the masculine gay man does exist, but that’s not what is meant when one says “bisexual.”  Bisexuality is having a sexual preference for both men and women, sometimes in equal proportion, sometimes not.

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