Metro February 2010: Vicky Christina Manila

Yes, it is possible to love both a man and a woman at the same time. M, a 20something artist, talks about the dynamics of a polyamorous relationship.

It was a few months before my 25th birthday, so I guess it was sort of a quarter life crisis for me. My boyfriend and I had been together for 8 years already by then and were living together. Our relationship was a bit rocky at that time not because we didn’t love each other but because there were some things that needed to work out — especially me. I was really immature back then, always jealous, selfish, narrow-minded. To fix our relationship, I had to fix myself and it and required that I dealt with my own sexuality.

I realized that I was physically attracted to women – not just the usual appreciation or girl crush, but really wanting to get physical with women. I talked about it with my boyfriend. He encouraged me to figure out my preference; whether straight, lesbian or, or bi-sexual. It would be hard to tell if I had no actual experience. He was a bit scared that I might turn gay on him, but he never wavered in his support. So with that support in mind, I opened up to girl friends telling them I was going through ‘something’. I told one girl friend that I’m looking for someone to “play” with, just to figure out if I do like women. I was surprised when the girl asked “Why not me?”

She was also from an all-girls school just like me. Cute and smart; conventional Catholic family. But she liked the idea of being different and was attracted and my liberal ideas on sexuality. She had been single for around 3 years and needed something new and exciting.

The three of us – the girl, my boyfriend and I talked about this experiment. We realized that for it to work, my boyfriend and the girl needed to get along and get to know each other, too. They went out of dates and the three of us would also go out on dates. It developed from enjoying each other’s company so much to loving each other; all three of us.

Sexual experiment

What started out as a sexual experiment for me ended up in a loving relationship with the girl and my boyfriend. She’d sleep over our place or we’d sleep over at her house. Her family didn’t think much of it and just thought that we were all just one big barkada.

Initially, the girl and I would have long sessions of making out, some lasting for 7 hours long while my boyfriend watched. When we established that there was more love in the relationship, the girl would allow boyfriend to join in, but it was more of me and boyfriend or me and the girl.

She and my boyfriend didn’t really interact sexually because the girl didn’t want penetration. They were scared that I would get insanely jealous if they did. I was really immature back then, so I think their fear was reasonable. It was all making out. There was no oral sex because the girl didn’t want that. My boyfriend and I were blue-balled quite a lot back then.

With a woman, it’s more sensual; with a man, it’s more sexual. With a woman, it’s softer; with a man, it’s harder. It’s really so different. Now I know that I’m bisexual because I appreciate both sexes.

One thing that I realized was something about the description of loving two people at the same time…I thought it would be hard, but it’s not. Your heart grows another space for that other person. The girl didn’t steal or take over the love I had for my boyfriend. My heart kind of grew another space just for her. My boyfriend felt the same way.  So when she left us, that space in my heart became empty which was the heartbreaking part.

It ended after about 3-4 months. Because of my jealousy and immaturity, I became mean to the girl. My boyfriend noticed that we would compete for the girl’s attention or sometimes, we (me and the girl) would compete for my boyfriend’s affection. It was hard. I think that eventually led to the death of the polyamorous relationship as well.

Eventually, may be the girl realized that it wasn’t worth keeping the poly relationship. She fell for one of her girl classmates and cut ties with us.

The first year after we broke up with the girl was hard. My boyfriend and I didn’t know if we were going to break up or not because both of us were in so much pain. But the poly relationship made us closer and stronger than ever. We were there for each other. When I was sad, he would the strong one for us. And when he was depressed, I would be the strong one. It was a unique experience going through a heartbreak where the same person broke your heart. Now, my boyfriend and I are completely honest, open, and understanding with each other and our relationship is definitely stronger now.

It’s hard to say if I would engage in a polyamorous relationship again. My boyfriend and I have talked about it, but we agreed that we don’t want feelings to be involved again. Now, my boyfriend and I are open sexually — threesome, sex with other people, flirt with other people. As long as there are no emotions involved.

When others ask me about being in a polyamorous relationship, I tell them that they really have to be prepared for the rollercoaster ride of emotions. You have to be secure about your partner and mature enough to know that you are also risking your relationship. My boyfriend and I got through it a much stronger couple, but not everyone may have the same experience.