Female Network: FAQS on Sex during pregnancy

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This article was posted on femalenetwork.com in May 2010 on SAS

FN clears up the whats, whens, and hows of having sex while you’re pregnant in this Q & A. By Ana Santos

Many joke that the best part about having sex during pregnancy is that you’re perfectly safe—that is to say, you’re not likely to get pregnant again. Still, others are concerned about the repercussions of sex during pregnancy and may be too embarrassed to ask their doctors about it. That’s a perfectly natural reaction; whether it’s about the misconceptions, your fears or insecurities about your pregnancy, or other things fueled by raging hormones, you’re sure to have a lot of questions about sex during pregnancy.

Female Network sat down with Dr. Margarita dela Rosa, an OB-GYN at Medical Plaza Makati, and got the real score on the most common questions she gets from her patients when it comes to sex and pregnancy.

Q: Is it really okay to have sex all throughout my pregnancy?

A: “That’s really the number one question I’m asked,” says Dr. dela Rosa. “The short answer to that is under normal circumstances, it is permissible to have sex during pregnancy.”  Dela Rosa stressed the importance of normal circumstances. “As long as you do not have any complications like in the first trimester like bleeding or spotting or any indications of placenta previa [a condition where the placenta lies low on the uterus or covers the cervix, which may cause bleeding], it’s perfectly OK.”

Other conditions where sex during pregnancy may not allowed is if there is a history of miscarriage,  threatened abortion, a multiple pregnancy or any other health problems.

Q: Can the baby see what we’re doing?

A: “That’s more an old wives’ tale,” says dela Rosa. She says that there is no truth at all to the idea that the baby can see its parents having sex from inside the uterus.

“First of all, the baby is inside the uterus and the cervix is closed. Since the baby is inside, swimming in amniotic fluid of the mother, we can assume that it’s dark,” explains dela Rosa, giving the scientific explanation as to why the baby is protected by two things: amniotic fluid and your cervical plug.

And yes, in case you’re wondering, even if you’re blessed with a partner who is mightily endowed, his penis still won’t reach all the way past your cervix to “meet” the baby.

Q: Will the motions hurt my baby?

A: No. Unless you’re going to really rough it up, the motions of a usual romp won’t hurt your baby. It just may seem awkward as your tummy gets bigger and you may have to prioritize a position that is more comfortable than adventurous.

Dela Rosa recommends doing it side-to-side or in any position where the mom is most comfortable. Sexual positions of any kind are safe throughout most of the pregnancy; there is one caution about having sex flat on your back in the later trimester, as this position can decrease blood flow to the mother and cause light-headedness or fainting.

Myths surrounding sexual positions and the effect these may have on the baby are also prevalent. Keep in mind that your baby is protected by two things: amniotic fluid and your cervical plug. No matter what type of position you have sex in, your partner’s penis cannot touch or injure the baby.

Q: Can sex cause a miscarriage?

A: No. The fact is that most miscarriages are caused by biological problems with the mother, or biological problems with the baby; sex will not cause a miscarriage risk if a woman is carrying a normal healthy pregnancy.

Q: Orgasms are said to cause premature labor. Does that mean I shouldn’t have orgasms?

A: No, you can still look forward to those Os your partner gives you, even when you’re pregnant. The facts are that a woman’s orgasm can cause contractions in the uterus, and these are the same contractions that are felt during labor. Extensive studies have shown that, in a normal pregnancy, orgasms will not result in premature labor or birth.

Q: Will it hurt?

A: Many women think sex during pregnancy will be painful. On the contrary, the vaginal area will be engorged with blood so it’s more elastic and stretchable, which makes it more comfortable.

Q: What if I’m not in the mood?

A: First, Miranda said it on Sex and the City, “No wonder you’re supposed to be married when you’re pregnant” in relation to her increasing libido and sexual urges.

For some women, there’s a heightened want for sex during pregnancy, but for others, it may be the opposite because of the morning sickness and other related symptoms. Also, a woman may feel less physically attractive because of the weight gain that results from pregnancy, which may decrease sex drive. You should remember, however, that weight gain is normal and try to focus on the fact that you are already a mother to the child inside you. That’s got to make you one of the most beautiful things in the world. If you’re still feeling down and out, though, a little self-pampering may help you feel prettier.

Here are some things to remember when it comes to sex during pregnancy and pregnancy in general:

1. Always keep up with your prenatal visits. This will allow your doctor to monitor your health and that of your baby’s. Most importantly, your doctor can alert you should anything change in your condition that will prevent you from having sex.

2. A caring, understanding, and supportive partner is a wonderful thing to have. Imagine yourself struggling through a day’s worth of PMS—now multiply that PMS with a boat load more of hormones. Some pregnant women are just like that. It’s not pleasant, so make sure your partner understands what it is you’re going through. However, it’s also  a good idea to make sure you let him know how much you appreciate his being there for you.

3. A sense of humor will carry you through. Pregnancy is awkward and as you get bigger even walking may seem like waddling. Knockin’ boots may seem challenging with such a big belly; if you find yourself lactating early in the latter part of your pregnancy, being wet may take on a whole different meaning. Don’t take yourself too seriously—sex is awkward and messy, even when you’re not pregnant (and if it’s not, you may want to rethink your approach to it).  Humor can take you a long way in terms of fighting off that awkwardness.

Female Network: How to pick the right OB-GYN for you

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If educational background and length of experience in the medical field are important to you, then take advantage of verifying the doctor’s credentials on websites like RXPinoy.com.

Where is his or her clinic, and what are its facilities?

Most doctors hold clinics in more than one hospital and have different timeslots for each. Check if the locations are easily accessible to public transportation or if parking is readily available. It’s also a plus if your doctor holds a clinic near your home or workplace or on your route home.

You may also want to check out the facilities available. Doctors with clinics in a hospital will frequently have access to the hospital’s women’s health center and its complement of facilities. However, if your doctor’s clinic is not in a hospital, you may want to find out if it has the necessary equipment for a full checkup in-house or at a nearby location so you don’t have waste time traveling between your doctor’s clinic and the facility where you can have tests done. For example, you should check if the clinic has an ultrasound—contrary to popular opinion, these are commonly used to examine non-pregnant women as well as pregnant ones!

Do the clinic hours fit in with your schedule?

This is really important because, while it may be tempting to wait till the weekend before going to the doctor, this may also be the time when most patients come in for a consultation. You might end up spending most of your weekend queuing for your turn. So you should try to get a doctor whose clinic hours often coincide with your free time.

If the doctor’s clinic is near your place of work and is open during the lunch hour, it’ll make it easier to slip out for a consultation during your midday break.

Can the doctor explain things to you in a way that is easy to understand?

The medical field is filled with big long words that to a non-doctor are not only alienating but sometimes also intimidating. Make sure your doctor is someone who is patient enough to break down medical jargon so as not to cause premature alarm.

“My pap smear showed abnormal cells which I was told might be indicative of pre-cancerous cells. I was referred to another procedure called a colposcopy for a biopsy. These words freaked me out, and I was really, really scared,” says Isabelle, 32.

“Thank god, my OB explained to me the other possible results of a pap smear. She  mollified me by saying that the ‘abnormal cells’ found in my pap smear were known to be one of the more benevolent findings when compared to others and the additional examination was just to be very, very prudent,” concludes Isabelle who says that this explanation, though lengthy, went a long way in putting her premature fears to rest.

You’ll want an OB-GYN who cares about your feelings, like Isabelle’s does, so she or he will lay any unqualified fears to rest. This is a very important quality to have because, should you have any conditions or diseases that need treatment, this type of doctor would be able to explain what’s going on, your options for treatment, and any repercussions in a way you can understand as well.

Is the OB-GYN reachable even after clinic hours?

If you’ve forgotten to take your pill and want to be doubly sure about not getting pregnant, or if you’ve engaged in unprotected sex and are worried it could have unwanted consequences, can your OB be reached by phone? More importantly, will he or she allow consultations during non-clinic hours?

Be careful about going overboard with the questions though, because you just might be surprised when you get the bill for your next consultation. Gigi, a birth plan consultant says, “Some doctors will charge you for consultations made through SMS or phone call. They’re less than actual face-to-face clinic consultations, but these can add up.”

For non-urgent questions, it may be better to wait for your next appointment. You should also use your appointment time to clear up any “what ifs” and “just in cases.”

Is the OB-GYN non-judgmental?

Theresa, an OB-GYN who asked that she not be named, admitted that because of her religious beliefs, she doesn’t do tubal ligations and simply refers her patients who request for this procedure to another doctor.

If it is important to you that your doctor not let moral beliefs influence her practice, then this is something that you might want to consider.  Ann, a 28-year-old bank employee, steered clear of such doctors when she was looking for a prescription for birth control pills because she was not married.

“I did ask one doctor point blank if she had a problem with prescribing pills to me seeing that I wasn’t married [in my chart], and she said that she had no problem at all with that. It was a great relief to me,” shares Ann.

Can you see yourself consulting this OB-GYN for a long time?

You’re going to need the services and expertise of an OB-GYN for a long time—ideally, from the time that you start becoming sexually active, all the way to your menopausal years. In case we weren’t clear at the start, you’ll need to see an OB-GYN regularly, and not just when you are pregnant! Look at your OB-GYN as your partner in sexual and reproductive health. So when you think of choosing an OB-GYN, as you would with a partner, pick one you can see yourself with for a long time.

Female Network: Facts and Fictions on Safe and Safer Sex

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This article was originally posted in the  March edition of Female Network.com

How safe is the sex you’re having? FN doles out the facts to help you stay protected. By Ana Santos

Of course you’re familiar with the term “safe sex”—who isn’t?  But do you know the term “safer sex?”

Safer sex means sexual contact that does not involve any exchange of blood, semen, or vaginal fluids.

Technically, and in absolute terms, sex cannot be guaranteed as 100 percent safe. That’s why the term “safer sex” is considered to be more appropriate by many sexual health advocacy groups.

However, encouraging safer sex is harder said than done, not the least because of people’s insufficient or incorrect knowledge about how to practice it—and many people are ignorant of their ignorance. Check out these statements concerning safer sex that many people believe in, but which may not actually be true. Find out what’s right and what’s not by reading on.

Fact or fiction? It’s okay to go bareback (no condom) as long as my guy puts on a condom right before ejaculation.

FICTION. Don’t be tempted to go for a skin-to-skin feel. Even pre-ejaculate, the clear, colorless fluid that comes out of a mans’ penis when he is aroused, can cause infection. Plus studies show that there is also a small chance that you can become pregnant with pre-ejaculate, so why take the risk?

Fact or fiction? After hitting the home run, I shouldn’t let my guy linger inside me for a while, even if he’s wearing a condom.

FACT. After ejaculation, while holding the rim of the condom to prevent any leakage, the penis should be pulled out while still hard. Letting him grow “soft” inside means he won’t fit snugly into the condom anymore and semen may seep out.

Fact or fiction? Kissing, cuddling, masturbation, phone sex, and watching erotic films together are all forms of safer sex.

FACT. Yes; as all of the above activities do not involve an exchange of bodily fluids, these are to be considered safer sex options.

Fact or fiction? Condoms should also be used for oral sex.

FACT. As a general rule of thumb, a condom should be used for any kind of sex—vaginal, anal, and yes, even for oral sex—as a cut or a rash in your mouth can expose you to certain infections. Before switching from oral sex to vaginal sex, you should also use a new condom.

If you find the thought of having to “taste” a condom yucky, try flavored condoms like LICK wild tutti frutti and juicy strawberry made with real fruit flavors. Flavored condoms (note that flavored is different from scented) make oral sex pleasurable, safe, and, well, tasty.

Fact or fiction? It’s only normal that penetration is sometimes painful and uncomfortable and has no impact on safe sex.

FICTION. While you can experiment with different positions that make penetration more pleasurable, you should also check for vaginal dryness. Vaginal dryness is a common condition that may be brought about by the fluctuating hormones of menopause, smoking, childbirth (post partum), or breastfeeding, as well as certain medications. These bring down your estrogen levels, making your vagina extra-dry and irritated.

Penetration when you’re not lubricated adds friction which may cause tears in the condom.  Lubricants can make sex both more pleasurable and safe by reducing the risk of condom breakage. Just be sure you are using the right kind of lubricant.

Fact or fiction? Vaseline Petroleum Jelly or lotion can be also be used as a lubricant.

FICTION. Oil-based or petroleum-based products like Vaseline will compromise the integrity of the condom. Make sure to only use water-based lubricants like KY Jelly or silicone-based lubricants specifically intended for male condom use.

Remember: when used properly, lubricants can greatly help reduce the risk of condom breakage.

Fact or fiction? Condoms just decrease pleasure, so I should go on the pill, which will also protect me against STIs/HIV.

FICTION. The pill is effective in preventing untimely or unplanned pregnancy, but it cannot protect you from a sexually transmitted infection. The condom, as certified by the World Health Organization, is the only device that can act as an effective barrier against both sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancy.

Fact or fiction? Condoms are known to break; therefore, they’re not at all reliable.

FICTION. The World Health Organization (WHO) certifies that condoms are effective barriers against herpes simplex, hepatitis B, Chlamydia, and gonorrhea, and can reduce the risk of HIV infection to nearly zero. While some condoms have been known to break, it is more often out of human error rather than manufacturer defect. Don’t use sharp objects like scissors, teeth, or long nails to open a condom wrapper, and always check the expiration date on the pack before using it.

Fact or fiction? I should keep a pack of condoms in my glove compartment just in case.

FICTION. A true girl scout knows that condoms need to be stored in a cool, dry, and dark place, away from humidity, heat, air, and sunlight. The best place to store condoms is your medicine cabinet or your bedside table. Cool, quirky condom storage boxes and compacts are also available online at www.condomania.com

Fact or fiction? Using sex toys poses zero STI/HIV risk infection.

FICTION. The risk may be considered to be low, but the fact is that anything that comes in contact with bodily fluids and goes into a person’s rectum and/or vagina could transmit HIV or other STDs, and this includes sex toys. Never share sex toys, and if you do share a sex toy with your partner, use a new condom on it. Clean sex toys properly after each use—make sure you pay attention to indicated cleaning and care instructions.

Female Network: Sex on the Beach Tips

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Is having sex on the beach best left to your fantasies?

It sounds romantic, but the pitfalls of getting oceanside Os discourage most couples–though if you’re daring and you really want to go for it, come prepared! By Ana Santos

Ever wonder why there’s a drink called Sex on the Beach?

That’s so if you can’t have the real thing, you can always have the drink.

Sex on the beach has got to be the ultimate sex fantasy. Hollywood’s fascination with it goes way back to the 1950s movie From Here to Eternity, which immortalized the image of a young Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr kissing passionately as wild waves engulfed them.

And perhaps for us Filipinos, it’s only natural to fantasize about sex on the beach. The country is after all surrounded by water, giving you about 7,107 islands to choose from as a private spot to sneak in some nookie.  Before you go off to that hot spot, though, here are some things to remember:

Bring a beach mat and a flashlight.

The mats will be useful to prevent sand from getting into the hard to reach places. (Think about how hard it is to get sand out of your cell phone if you drop it on the beach—then think about getting sand in the “unmentionable” parts of your body. It will not be pleasant.) The flashlight, on the other hand, will allow you to avoid the things that go bump in the night like ants and other creepy crawlies.

Wait until dark and find a secluded place that will give you some cover.

Sex on the beach is not really something to be doing in the light of day, so head for your spot before the sun goes down. Picking a spot behind a big rock is ideal. This will not only give you some cover, but will buy you a bit of time to “disengage” if you hear someone approaching. The last thing you want is to have someone walk in on you and suffer not just disruption but also humiliation—or worse, a fine or even jail time.

This is where the flashlight we mentioned comes in handy; you’ll want to find a place that’s far enough off the beaten path that you can be reasonably sure no innocent passerby will happen upon you, and the flashlight will let you keep an eye out for things you might trip over or even help you find ideal nookie nooks.

Be aware of local laws on indecent exposure or behavior in your vacation hot spot.

Remember the high profile case of the British couple who got caught having sex on a beach in Dubai? Those are not the kind of vacation memories you want to bring home.

While getting caught in some places means more embarrassment than real trouble, the authorities in other places may not be half so lenient or open-minded about your practicing your proclivities on their shores. Consider the risks of getting your From Here to Eternity moment, and make sure you are willing to face the consequences if you’re caught. After all, what you’re willing to dare in a place where you’ll be told to just pack up and leave or pay a reasonable fine should be much less in a place where you can be blacklisted from ever entering the country again or lose years of your life serving jail time.

According to this article on Gadling.com, some major tourist destinations have added manpower to their police force for the sole purpose of catching couples in compromising positions. The Spanish party island of Ibiza issues an on-the-spot fine of €700 ($1000) if you get caught. Other countries that will slap with serious fines and penalties for doing more than frolicking on their shores:

-    Sweden: €50
-   Italy: €300 plus up to 2 years in prison
-   Croatia: €150 plus up to 30 days in prison
-   Romania: Up to 7 years in prison
-   Spain: Up to €75,000 (average fine is €700)
-    Thailand: Up to $750
-   Turkey: €200 and up to 2 months in prison
-   Egypt: Up to 3 years in prison
-    Denmark: Up to 4 years in prison
-    France: €15,000 and up to one year in prison
-    Greece: Up to 2 years in prison

Prepare to be quick about it.

One thing about sex on the beach is that it’s not meant to be done at leisure. Leave that for traditional sex in the sack or other, more private, places. Get it on, get up, and get out of there as if you were just taking a casual stroll on the beach. You’ll still get your thrills from the quickie, but you’ll risk much less.

Don’t forget to use protection.

You go to the beach armed with sunblock and sunglasses, right? Add condoms to your shopping list just in case you get lucky. And remember to practice safer sex!

We’re not saying go out and get to home base with the waves crashing near or around you; far from it. It’s infinitely safer (not to mention more hygienic) to do it indoors. If you’ve acknowledged this fact, but still want to try it, even just once, then we suggest following the advice we’ve just given you. If you decide it’s not your thing, though, it doesn’t mean you aren’t liberated or adventurous. And remember, there’s a reason why a cocktail has been christened after sex on the beach—it’s partly to let you bask in the reflected thrill of the adventure of it, and it’s partly to allow you to say that you’ve had sex on the beach, even if you only mean that you had a sex on the beach in a bar.

Why not the condom?

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The Department of Health (DOH) under the stewardship of the ballsy Esperanza Cabral again made modern day history on April 12 by hosting the first ever HIV Summit. (The DOH initially made waves when they gave out condoms to the general public last Valentine’s Day. This day of infamy made the headlines and made the Catholic bishops raise their eyebrows to the high heavens.)

The HIV Summit 2010 for the first time brought together the various sectors of society involved in HIV/AIDS awareness to up the ante on awareness and prevention efforts.

Entitled, “The Call to Action for Broad-based Responses to AIDS by Leaders”, the HIV Summit came on the heels of the increasing number of HIV cases consistently observed in the last three years.

The first case of HIV was diagnosed in the Philippines in 1984. Since 1984, there have been a total of 4,817 registered cases of HIV in the Philippines. A total of 838 of these cases have progressed to AIDS. The Philippines is considered a low prevalence country in terms of incidence of HIV/AIDS, which by itself is still a good thing.

In 2000, one HIV case was reported every three days. In 2010, this number changed to three days per day. In February alone, there were 130 new HIV cases recorded in the Philippine HIV and AIDS Registry report, a 177-percent increase compared to the same period last year (47 in 2009). Dr. Ferchito Avelino, Philippine National AIDS Council (PNAC) Secretariat predicted that if this pattern continues, we are going to have as many as 1,500 new cases of HIV by the end of this year.

Secretary Cabral opened the summit by posing the question, “Why not the condom?,” as a solution to curbing HIV infection along with abstinence and monogamy.

Everyone looked forward to a lively and productive discussion that would tackle HIV prevention seriously and realistically without the prescribed squeamishness.

Dr. Eric Tayag, the Director of the National Epidemiology Center insisted on the need to talk about sexual health openly; that we need to have a discussion on condoms without young girls giggling daintily. (As a sex columnist and sexual health advocate, I can tell you that when it comes to discussing condoms, it’s not just the school girls who start giggling. Well, the boys squirm which is a much more amusing reaction.)

Personally, I truly enjoy attending HIV Conferences. It is only during such an event where you get both sides of the story and bring together the primordial need of sexual urges, dissect the many complexities of sexual behaviors and discuss them within the scientific realm of prevention and medical care.

To cite a specific example, during a one on one interview, a journalist was clarifying some terms regarding MSM (men having sex with men) with Dr. Tayag. Without batting an eyelash, Dr. Tayag explained the intricacies of Internet hook ups and how it promotes casual sex.

The question by the inquiring journalist may have been based on the observation that for the past three years, MSM has been the primary contributor in the rising cases of HIV/AIDS in the country. In the past, commercial sex workers and seafarers accounted for most of the HIV/AIDS cases.

Dr. Tayag described the MSM as a hidden population. “Means of negotiating sexual encounters is mostly through the Internet, which makes it hard to target these populations. Also, not all MSM identify themselves as gay or bisexual, which makes it even harder to indentify these groups,” said Dr. Tayag, calling for the need to understand the whole gamut of sexual behaviors, “from kissing to receptive anal sex to fellatio to get an idea of what context we have to work in.”

Condom debate

The white elephant in the room of course, was the condom issue, which somehow became more pronounced by the presence of the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines (CBCP). It was hoped that the CBCP and the Health department could reach common ground on the use of condoms as an effective way of combating the spread of HIV.

Ryan Tani of Filipino Freethinkers posed a question to the audience, asking how we—the Department of Health, developmental agencies and the CBCP—could agree on one single-minded message when it comes to HIV prevention and the crucial role the small but potent piece of latex plays in it.

“Until we have a unified message about condom education, we will just confuse the public with the DOH and the WHO [World Health Organization] saying that condoms are effective in preventing HIV, but with the CBCP saying that condoms are defective,” said Tani referring to statements made by the CBCP questioning the effectivity of condoms.

Unfortunately, his question went unanswered.

During the summit, I had a chat with Brother Dan Cancino Jr. of the National Catholic Network on HIV/AIDS under the CBCP who said, “At the end of the day, we [the DOH and the CBCP] share the same goal—the prevention of HIV and AIDS. We just have different ways of doing it.”

In short, the CBCP remained immovable on their anti-condom position and continued to challenge their efficacy despite overwhelming scientific data.

I got hold of the CBCP’s Training Manual on HIV and AIDS for Catholic Church Pastoral Workers. Signed by Archbishop Angel Lagdameo, the President of the CBCP, the preface of the document says, “The CBCP is committed to its campaign against spread of AIDS and endorsing this guide for various apostolates related to caring for the people against the ailment.” There is one section that is particularly interesting. It states: “In the case of HIV discordant couples [meaning only one partner is HIV+], both partners should be helped to decide for themselves the appropriate means to defend themselves against the infection. One option is to discontinue sex. However, should they decide to continue their sexual relationship, consistent and correct condom use can help in minimize the risk of transmission. But this is only for disease control, rather than contraceptive methods.”

The document is consistent with the CBCP’s support for natural contraceptive methods only, but doesn’t’ it also means that the CBCP does recognize the irrefutable scientific evidence presented by organizations like the World Health Organization—whose credibility is unquestionable—about the effectivity of condoms in fighting off HIV infection?

In light of what is written in their training manual, the question, “Wht not the condom?” now seems like a rhetorical one.

Glammed up for HIV/AIDS awareness

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$150 million—that’s a lot of Mac Viva Glam  lipstick.

In the 15 years since the Mac Aids Fund was established, that’s the amount of money the organization has raised by selling Mac Viva Glam  lipstick.

One hundred percent of sales from MAC VIVA GLAM Lipstick and Lipglass goes to the  Mac Aids Fund and used for groundbreaking programs in underserved regions that are not often prioritized by other funders.

The Mac Aids Fund was actually borne out of the grief and helplessness.

Frank Toskan and Frank Angelo, co-founders of Mac Cosmetics saw many of their friends succumb to AIDS as it ravaged the fashion and entertainment industry in the early 1990s.

Toskan and Angelo re-channeled their sorrow into positive action and put up the Mac Aids Fund, which has now become the single biggest non-pharmaceutical company contributor of HIV programs in 67 countries around the world.

MAC, which is actually short for Make Up Artist’s Cosmetics, is known for its avant-garde brand personality that is often cutting edge and daring. This philosophy is the same principal for choosing their brand ambassadors who are as controversial, outspoken and as fiery in their careers as they are about their support for acquired immune deficiency syndrome/ human immunodeficiency virus (HIV/AIDS) awareness, prevention, research and treatment.

The first Mac Viva Glam global ambassador drag queen diva Ru Paul set the pace for all others who followed in his stiletto-ed footsteps.

Other members of the glam squad include music legend and outspoken AIDS activist Elton John, Grammy Award winner Mary J. Blige, rock icon Shirley Manson of the band Garbage, recording artist k.d. lang, hip-hop diva Lil’ Kim who, Blondie frontwoman Deborah Harry, rapper Eve, burlesque queen Dita von Teese (wife of Marilyn Manson), Her Hotness Fergie of Black Eyed Peas and Lisa Marie Presley.

This year’s Mac Viva Glam ambassadors are two high-voltage divas, Lady Gaga and Cyndi Lauper. These femmes want to encourage conversation about the “kind of relationships women want to have and how to keep it safe, seductive and satisfying.”

With their campaign called “From Our Lips,” these two ladies bring together and represent two very different eras in the time of HIV/AIDS and are focusing on an underserved segment—women.

According to the global study “The Scorecard on Women,” produced by the AIDS Accountability International Foundation, AIDS is the leading cause of death among women of reproductive age.

However, women are not always seen as a target group for HIV interventions as compared to high risk groups like MSM (who have sex with men), injecting drug users and commercial sex workers mainly because they are not thought of as engaging in risky sexual behavior. It is a stereotype that has deathly consequences. As a result, women do not protect themselves, are unable to negotiate for condom use with their partners and do not get tested because they do not think of themselves at risk.

According to a Joint United Nations Program on HIV/AIDS (UNAIDS) study, there are 50 million women in Asia who are at risk for getting HIV infection through their husbands or long-term partners who inject drugs, have sex with other men or are clients of sex workers.

This silence and prescribed surrounding this stereotype of women is exactly what the new Mac Viva Glam global ambassadors are talking about.

“Be smart. Be careful, protect yourself, practice safe sex and look out for your sisters to make sure they are doing the same,” Cyndi Lauper is quoted as saying.

“Use protection and be selective and strong about those you love. Your body is sacred, and it’s okay to say no. Make your partners get tested; go together: it will only make your relationship stronger and healthier,” says Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga, who has been called the biggest rock star of all-time was also recently quoted claiming, “I’m celibate right now. It’s ok not to have sex.”

Looks like Cyndi Lauper and Lady Gaga are toppling stereotypes, urging people to talk sensibily about sex, one lipstick at a time.

Rock with divas Lady Gaga and Cyndi Lauper and join the Mac Viva Glam and Sex and Sensibilities Race to Kiss and Tell Promo. Spread HIV/AIDS awareness to your friends and get a chance to win a free MAC makeover and a free Mac Viva Glam swag bag. Visit www.SexAndSensibilities.com for more information or follow us on twitter @dash_of_sas.

Female Network: A Would-Be Cupid’s Checklist: How to Orchestrate Romantic Match-Ups

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Ever have two friends you know would be just perfect for each other, if only you could get them together? Check out these 7 matchmaking tips!

By Ana Santos (This “Cupid’s Checklist” article was published in Female Network March 2010)

It happens to even the most cynical and the most skeptical of us. We meet someone who we think would be perfect . . . for one of our friends. The love bug takes a bite, and we want to play Cupid. Our matchmaker instinct is set off and tripping with the thought,  “You just have to meet a friend of mine.”

But there is an art to shooting Cupid’s arrow to ensure lovestruck stars and fireworks. There is such a thing as aim. So before you don those Cupid wings, here are some things to remember before you take flight.

1. MATCH FRIENDS WITH COMMON INTERESTS.

It may seem obvious, but sometimes logic gives way to the temptation to test the old axiom “opposites attract,” but a compassionate matchmaker will make sure the couple has something in common. The would-be couple will also thank you for being considerate enough to give them something to talk about.

2. CONSIDER YOUR FRIENDS’ NEEDS.

This means two things: one, ask yourself if your friend really wants to be set up; and two, know the person’s objectives for dating.

For number one, is your friend ready to start dating, or is it just that you who thinks she should start playing the field again? Is she or he just coming out of a bad relationship? While you may have nothing but good intentions, dating right away may not be the answer to that kind of heart ailment.

The converse may also be true. Is your friend dead set on looking for a one-life-stand? If that’s the case, the least you can do is look for someone who also wants to settle down. Priscilla was set up with her colleague’s Fil-Am cousin who was in Manila on vacation. She nearly fell off her chair when, over dessert, he said, “I’m actually looking for a wife.”

“Here was this young, intelligent, cute guy—perfect, right? But he was hoping to find a wife by the end of his three-week vacation. I wanted to run for the nearest exit. I wish my colleague had told me about his ‘requirement.’ I am so not ready for marriage, and I felt like I was wasting his much precious time,” says Priscilla.

3. DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

Before you even say the words blind date out loud, do a background check on the network and affiliations of the potential date. Check if he or she is related to someone you know, someone’s ex, or worse—a distant relative of your friend.

Considering just how far some extended families go, it is better to be safe than awkward or, well, incestuous.

4. NO SETUPS WITHIN A 2-DEGREE RELATION.

Related to number 3, remember to apply the rule of not playing matchmaker for people within 2 degrees of consanguinity or affinity. This means you should not attempt to fix up an ex-whatever (ex-boyfriend, ex-fling, ex-crush) with a friend, no matter how much you think both of you have moved on. Do not attempt to fix up siblings or those who have a second degree relation to you.

As a matchmaker, have a duty to uphold the honor code of delicadeza which states that exes and siblings are not to be touched with a ten-foot pole.

5. BE CREATIVE.

Don’t confine yourself to traditional setups. The blind date or group date setups are not your only options as far as setups go. Check out speed dating events for yuppies organized by the Love Institute (call 436-4143) and offer to pay for your friend’s entrance fee.

And don’t be too quick to knock the online dating websites. Celine was recovering from the abrupt breakup of a long term relationship when her friends decided to share the membership fees and enroll her in e-Harmony, one of the biggest and most successful online dating sites in the United States. “I was skeptical, and only agreed to try out the site for the minimum three months. I met Bob during my last month, and now, after ten months, we’re engaged,” gushes Celine, who is now forever grateful to her friends.

6.  DISCLOSE ALL PERTINENT INFORMATION.

Apart from the usual statistical information like age, educational background, and kind of work, consider that your friend has agreed to spend a considerable amount of time alone with a complete stranger mainly because of your endorsement. Don’t take that trust lightly.

Disclose all potential information that may be a show-stopper for your friend.  Does this person have a child from a previous relationship? Is this person recovering from substance abuse? It could even be as simple as your friend’s preference for not wanting to date a smoker or someone known to drink a lot. Disclose these details, then let your friend decide if he or she still wants to go out on the date. In short, don’t waste your friends’ time on people they wouldn’t really want to go out with anyway.

7. BOW OUT OF THE MATCH.

Once you’ve arranged the setup, detach yourself from the situation. Let the two grown-ups find out for themselves if they are compatible.

That way, you can keep your distance in case of fire . . . or sparks.

(Photo source: sxc.hu)

Playboy Philippines: The Women Behind the Camera of Erotica

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Playboy Jan Feb 2010 — With a clear vision of what erotica should be, the balls to challenge norms, and unquestionable talent, women have somewhat turned the tables on the porn industry – by taking a position from behind the camera, instead of in front of it.

According to the Berlin Porn Film Festival’s website: The submissions to this year’s Porn Film Festival showed that there are more and more women creating films around female sexuality, lust or fetish.

Playboy caught up with two Chicks with Guts – Anna Brownfield and Anna Span – who were both at the recently concluded Berlin Porn Film Festival and talked to them about their role in changing an industry that was not only dominated by men but also served to satisfy only male lustful desires.

Anna Brownfield:  Creator of adult films she calls “new wave erotica” a term she coined to differentiate her work from regular porn.

Homebase: Australia

Film companies: Poison Apple Productions  and Hungry Films

Credentials: Graduate of Media Arts from Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology, with Honors

Lecturer in Multi-media Design and Film TV and Art at Melbourne’s Swinburne University

Brownfield’s work has screened at numerous international festivals and conferences such as the 1995 International Women’s Conference in Beijing. Her first film feature, “The Money Shot” closed the Melbourne Underground Film Festival and won Best Director, Best Screenplay and Best Male Lead.

Trademarks of her work:

All-Natural:

Diversity of body types: Natural, “untouched by a knife” bodies preferred (and that includes boob jobs)

Natural rawness of storyline: Believable scenes where importance is placed on the chemistry between the characters and build-up to the actual sex scenes

“I’m a feminist erotic filmmaker who makes film about sex and craft!”, shouts Anna Brownfield’s Skype profile.

Explaining the “feminist” element which may otherwise appear to be misplaced in that declaration, Brownfield says:“Most porn is made for heterosexual men and from their point of view of sex and sexuality. Men, for example, are never penetrated in a porn film — they are never fucked up the ass even by a woman with a strap on. They don’t know what it is like to be penetrated. Porn out there is not made to simulate women.”

“On another note, I don’t really consider myself to be working in the adult film industry, as in Australia there isn’t really one, so I consider myself to be a feminist erotic filmmaker who happens to make films that contain explicit sex.”, adds Brownfield.

Producing, writing and directing erotica was a natural progression for Brownfield, who says: “As the majority of product is from a male perspective, I saw the potential in tapping into a growing market of making non-formulaic porn that is designed to stimulate and arouse women from a truly female perspective.”

With this as a guiding principle, Brownfield’s work aims push the boundaries and redefine the depiction of sex and nudity in cinema. 

Her second feature, ‘The Band’ has screened at Cannes Film Market (France) and was the opening night film at the Berlin Porn Film Festival (German) and has sold to numerous territories around the world.

“The script for The Band came out of stories I collected while working as a “door bitch” in a local rock ‘n’ roll venue here in Melbourne, called “The Tote”.  I took most of these stories and wove them into the script. Of course there is always some creative license and to protect the guilty I will never reveal which bands they are actually about!”, laughs Brownfield.

Keeping it real

Production for “The Band”, involved much the same processes as directing any other movie, says Brownfield. However, keeping to her all-natural trademark proved to be a difficulty in the casting department.

“Casting was one of the most difficult things”, relates Brownfield. “We needed actors who were prepared to do real sex scenes and who had also had acting experience.  We held auditions like a normal film and got the actors to learn a piece from the film before they came and perform it for us.  I wasn’t concerned about anatomical endowments but more that they could act, because once they can do that taking your clothes off is easy!” 

Finding the men wasn’t as difficult finding women who were willing to be in an adult film that catered to their female fantasies.

“It was harder to find women [for the film] because I feel it is still a big taboo for women to perform sexually and be in control of their own bodies.”

Brownfield was insistent on keeping it real, even when it came right down to choosing body types.  “We wanted a variety of women’s bodies to be represented rather than the homogenized, surgically enhanced bodies we see in American adult movies, so fake breasts were definitely not welcome!”

A woman’s touch  

“I think it’s important when shooting erotica to create your own language and challenge the clichés of the adult film genre and focus on women’s fantasies.”, says Brownfield when asked how having a woman behind the camera shifts the paradigm that “the same old porn” has been locked into.

“I like to objectify the male body, were as most adult films objectify the female body.

I wanted to break from the usual way that adult films are shot. For instance, I focus more on the fact that a hand traveling down a body can be just as sensual and erotic.  I wanted to play up the sense of mystery when you didn’t always see everything.”

Occupational hazards

“With regards to directing, one of the questions I always get asked is ‘do you get turned on while shooting sex scenes?”, Brownfield says candidly sharing the more fun part of her job.

“While shooting a scene I am watching it through a monitor and wondering if I am getting all the shots I need, how are the performances, the fact people are having sex is quite secondary to the whole experience.”, she starts to say before confessing, “However, I do remember during one scene I looked up from the monitor and one of the actors was looking directing at me while he had sex with his co-star. For a brief moment,, it hit me that there were people having sex in front of me, but after that I returned to my monitor and making sure I was getting what I needed.”

As for her male actors keeping [it] up on the set, Brownfield says has seen everything from the actors who have no trouble at all, to using medical options to “On one particular day, our stills photographer offered to be a fluffer for one of the actors!”

Porn promoting safe sex

Turning to a more serious topic, Brownfield talks about rise in sexually transmitted diseases in Australia, among 16 -25 year olds, an age group, who have grown up without thinking of AIDS as a death sentence.

“This generation thinks you should use condoms for contraception only and don’t think about it also protecting them from sexually transmitted diseases.  Hence, I see one of my roles as an erotic film maker is also to educate the audience about safe sex.”

Safe sex is a mandatory element in an Anna Brownfield film. Brownfield pays attention to relating the need for safe sex in relation to the storyline.

“As most of the sex scenes in The Band are one night stands, where the characters don’t know each other’s sexual history, it was important to show condom use.  Not only just during the sex scenes but also the condoms being put on, rather than just appearing.” 

Some in the porn industry and even viewers would think that such consistent use of condoms in the film would make the film less marketable and appealing. But Brownfield remains adamant. “I feel that the sex scenes are so erotic that it doesn’t matter if they use condoms. Also I really don’t care as it was one thing I am not prepared to compromise on.”

To further prove her point about latex not getting in erotica’s way, Brownfield shares her own experience. “I wasn’t in a relationship when I made The Band and had decided that I would remain celibate during the film. Let’s just say after the first week of filming, I broke that promise!”

                                                                           ANNA SPAN

Hometown: Kent, United Kingdom

Credentials:

Graduate of Fine Art (Film & Video) from Central St. Martins, London

Recently completed an MA in Philosophy from Birkbeck

Several years experience making professional quality porn films for Television X and The Adult Channel

 

Accolades:

UK Best Director: UK Adult Film and TV Awards, 2008 and 2009

UK’s first female porn director

Trademark of her work:

Soap opera storylines, with explicit sex scenes added to it

Realistic casting

Female point of view: a lot  of shots are devoted to men as givers if pleasure rather than just recipients

Anna Span was originally anti-porn. She detested the fact that porn was mostly a male field where men were king and “the women were subjucated as mere pleasure objects”.

While walking down the red light district in Soho, she came to terms with this industry that she spurned and realized that she was really just jealous of the fact that an entire industry was devoted to satisfying the prurient fantasies of men. More than that, Span was angry that there was a blatant denial of women’s  own sexuality. “Women have the same desires for pleasure and have just as much right as a man to satisfy her fantasies.”, Span says.

“I believe that to sexually objectify – that is to fleetingly view a person’s sexual attractiveness separately from their personality/person, is a natural human experience NOT just a male one, as has been traditionally depicted.”, Span says, elaborating.

Since then, Span changed her view on the porn industry and took on a different perspective – that of how porn is an excellent genre and how it is one of the last underdeveloped/unexplored areas left in film.

As a film student in Central St. Martin, she wrote a dissertation entitled, “Towards a new Pornography” in which she studied the probable elements of a “female perspective of porn”.

From cutting up scenes to filming her own

After graduating from film school, Span began work as a full time editor on Television X (formerly The Fantasy Channel), a series of adult television channels. Span watched several hundred porn films and programmes being the one to make the censorious legal cuts. On the side, she was also experimenting with filming her own short films.

“That’s 35 hours a week of watching porn. I was also shooting my own films during the weekend. I managed to keep my sanity, but barely.”, says Span.

This experience proved to be invaluable for Span who learned the ins and outs of legality in porn. Later, she would use her acquired expertise to define her own brand of  pornography. “I learned the exact point at which a shot becomes illegal and used knowledge of these guidelines to make my softcore films as hard as the guidelines would allow.”

“I originally decided to focus on developing my skills in the softcore area where there was a definite market. But this knowledge eventually came in handy when I eventually started shooting hardcore porn as well.”, adds Span.

Span’s first commercially released programme was “Eat Me/Keep Me” was an immediate success. The story focused on the stripping experience of Nadia and Majella, who posed  as two art school friends of Span’s. The film was an immediate success, and Span soon began filming sequels that eventually went to becomes an “Eat Me/Keep Me” series.

Since then, Span has become a major force in the porn.  Her presence in the adult film industry goes beyond the over 250 scenes that she has filmed. Span has also started her own production outfit called Easy on the Eye productions, where she trains other female adult film makers in their craft. In her book, “Shoot Your Own Adult Movies”, Span shows couples on how to make the camera your favorite sex toy with what she promises is a “step by step guide to fulfilling your fantasies to becoming a porn star”

Hands-on

Despite the entire porn enterprise that she has built on her name and website annaspansdiary.com, Span remains involved when it comes to production.

“I write all the scenarios myself. In list form, no script.”, says Span, who despite the numerous titles that she now has under her belt, continues to draw inspiration from everyday things.

“I write all of the scenarios myself. They come from real life usually. For instance, if I find an amazing location, I will write a DVD about it. Sometimes I am inspired by just one person I see. I once saw a women selling fruit in a market and liked her hands so I wrote “Pound a Punnet” which is about women who work in market stalls.”

Asked about her own formula of fantasy of creating films targeted at women’s sensuality, Span pragmatically enumerates:

• Not porn looking actors and actresses
• Make it look as real as possible you have to make them looking into the corners of the room or into the camera.
• Oral sex scenes where the woman is receiving and enjoying
• Play up female fantasies with men from the service industries

And as for the male actors, how are they picked out and how important is really size to the female viewer. Men have to be endowed, but Span cites another reason for this:. “Men must have big enough cocks or you can’t get the camera angles.”

Staying power for the men and it being a hard job. “Guys either can or can’t do it. The ones that can thrive, they occasionally u se viagara, but you can’t base a career on Viagra. You eventually need to ejaculate and Viagra often delays this.”, Span rationalizes, speaking about a often asked question about making adult films.

Proving that female ejaculation exists

Proving that porn isn’t the only thing that should remain as a man’s enjoyment, Span recently won a historic victory with her DVD, ‘Women Love Porn’ which includes a woman clearly ejaculating.

Originally, the British Board of Film Classification asked for compulsory edits to remove the female ejaculation section, as they believed the woman to be urinating and argued that it was in violation of the Obscene Publications Act.

Span presented irrefutable scientific evidence in support of the model’s ability to ‘squirt,’ as it is known in the adult industry. Says Span, ‘I am really proud to have the film passed and to have made a difference to women who experience this in their own lives.  It was never fair that their orgasms were dismissed as urinary incontinence’

And with the same determination that got her started in the this business, Span continues to fight for the right of women to have their own kind of porn and their own ejaculation as well.

 

-ends-

The Manila Times: Rebel with a cause, Robin Padilla

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The Manila Times, 14 March 2010 — “There is no parent who does not have dreams for their children. That’s why we have to plan well. We shouldn’t depend on other people to rise from poverty and make a future for our children; we should only depend on ourselves.”

These words that may be expected from a politician rallying others to support his cause—except it’s author is no politician. This was Robin Padilla, speaking as the Trust Family Planning ambassador to a crowd gathered at the Sonny Belmonte Plaza along Commonwealth Avenue in Quezon City.

Even before getting up on stage, Padilla literally stopped traffic when he and supporters walked several meters along Commonwealth Avenue carrying placards calling for family planning and proper birth spacing.

A follow up to his Trust Condoms “Tunay na Lalaki [Real Man]” campaign, Padilla spoke to the crowd gathered about the importance of family planning and launched his new commercial which is tag-lined “Mag-usap. Mag-desisyon. Umaksyon. [Talk. Decide. Act.]”

This couldn’t have been a more apt time to talk about these issues in light of today’s current issues—namely, the rapidly growing population which is now at 92 million and the unprecedented rise in HIV cases.

The Department of Health (DOH) recently declared an HIV epidemic in the country. In response to this, newly appointed Department of Health Secretary Esperanza Cabral and her department officials gave out free condoms to people buying flowers on Valentine’s Day—a bold move to raise awareness and education about HIV and AIDS and a first for the government who has otherwise remained silent on the issue of modern contraception.

On the recent controversy about the Health department handing out condoms to the public, Robin was careful to say that he and DKT, Philippines were not siding with any group who were both carrying out their own mandates. “We are not siding with either one of them. They both have a point and are both simply carrying out their duties.”

The Bad Boy does good

Robin Padilla, whose showbiz career has spanned more than two decades, is still a newsmaker.

But unlike his hoodlum-gangster past which involved fist fights with other actors that earned him the moniker “Bad Boy” and possession of an arsenal of guns that landed him behind bars for four years, he is making headlines for his personal advocacies such as peace in Mindanao and family planning.

Padilla has even established and funded the Liwanag ng Kapayapaan Foundation—a preparatory school in a 1,100-square-meter lot in Fairview, Quezon City—that gives free education to Moro children in Quezon City.

Since opening in 2007, the school has afforded hundreds of scholars free education, books, uniforms and school bus rides. Its madrasah curriculum, approved by the Department of Education, offers Arab language lessons Islamic value formation as well as regular subjects such as science, mathematics, Filipino and English.

“I see the parents of the students in my school, they have so many children. It is so hard for them. I tell them to limit the number of children that they have and to properly space their births so that they don’t have such a hard time taking care of them,” he says.

Now, Padilla is working on getting sponsors and corporate partners who can provide livelihood skills training for the parents of the students.

All this after the man christened Robinhood Fernando Cariño Padilla 43 years ago converted to Islam behind bars and was reborn as Abdul Aziz.

It seems it was destined that it would take a macho action star and a real life anti-hero like Padilla/Aziz to bravely espouse responsible parenthood and rational reproductive health when the Catholic Church still meddles in public policy and the private affairs of all consenting adults regardless of religion. In a land where, despite the hollowed place the Church has enjoyed for the last 500 years, dysfunctional families, corruption in government and runaway population growth among the poor are the norm, it may take a rebel like Padilla to set things right.

On women

No conversation with Padilla, a well-known charmer, would be complete without mentioning the subject of women.

On the observation that at many family planning outreach programs, it is mostly women who are present and the men are nowhere to be found, he says, “Our call is for a real man to take responsibility. A real man doesn’t bring problems or infections. He is only supposed to bring happiness and joy to his woman.”

On a more serious note, he continues, “According to the NSO [National Statistics Office] surveys, there is a very small percentage of women who are given a right to speak up in their own homes. This to me is very sad. A woman should be given a right to speak up about what she wants and what her plans are for herself. And the men should give their wives this right. It’s not macho for a man to insist that he always be followed just because he is the padre de familia [head of the family].”

Asked if he takes his own advice about family planning and birth control, the newly singled Padilla (he and long-time partner Liezel have split up, ostensibly making Padilla one of the hottest bachelors in showbiz) says, “The condoms and product samples that DKT gave me are in a cabinet as of the moment. Right now, I am more focused on studying the many books and researches that they gave me to read on family planning and population.”

“We only need to think of our future. When we do that, then a lot of things will follow after: proper planning and protecting ourselves and others. The power to do that rests entirely in our hands, we just have to seize it,” he says like a true modern day Robinhood.

The Manila Times: East Meets West

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The Manila Times: March 20, 2010 — A Filipina who is in a relationship with a European talks about the cultural food divide:

I don’t remember exactly when my boyfriend first started noticing that I serve him his food.

For me, it is simply the most natural thing in the world to do when you are sharing a meal with someone. When we eat out and food is brought to our table to be shared, I put food on his plate and then on mine. Sometimes I think I serve him tea if we’re eating at a Chinese restaurant (a rare occasion).

But once, over dinner, he remarked that this [serving food] was “so Asian.”

“So Asian?” I blurted out incredulously.

This shocked me. I thought universal acts of politesse knew no nationality? Even this, had a cultural divide?

“Yes,” he said. “It’s so Asian to serve the man.”

“The man?!?” I asked, my voice rising along with my indignation.

I told him that if not for our two years together, I would feel that he was being very discriminatory and chauvinistic. In much simpler terms, I thought he was being a jerk.

I also told him that, being the feminist that I am, I should be downright offended and should sit him down to start a lengthy discussion on feminism and proper recognition of women’s rights. But, on a more somber note, I told him that in deference to our two together, I would only subject him to a mid-length lecture.

And so I began my explanation.

I don’t think of the act of putting food on someone’s plate as “serving a man.” I serve my family members and friends much the same way when we eat together. I further explained that in my culture, we have something called silbi, or pagsilbihan.

While the literal meaning of the word is “to serve,” it doesn’t at all do justice to the term pagsilbi.  Relegating it to servitude dismisses and demeans the rich emotional meaning of pagsilbi.

The closest I could come up with was to say that in the context of Filipino culture, it means “to serve with love,” which elevates the mundane act of serving food, coffee what have you—to an act of nurturing and tenderness.

I went on to further explain that this is the difference between the waitress or flight attendant getting coffee and pouring it in a passenger’s cup and me preparing the coffee and serving it to my lover during the breakfast that we are about to enjoy together.

It has nothing to do with gender or race (which is why I thought his comment was not only inappropriate, but antiquated).

Rather, it has everything to do with serving food as another way of taking care of him and showing my deep affections. It wasn’t an act of servitude.

When I paused to catch my breath, he finally spoke. “I know. I would never ask you to get me a beer because I know you’d just tell me to get it myself.”

“Exactly,” I said, relieved at his illumination.

“I’m just not used to the attention,” he said, quietly. “But I like it,” he added, rather sheepishly.

I looked at him and realized another reason why I love doing little acts of service for him.  It’s because he doesn’t assume he’s entitled to any special treatment. And because I never feel obligated, little acts of service are a joy to do.

I also realized that he didn’t voice out his observation because he was gloating. He voiced it out of appreciation.

And while I didn’t expect anything in return for the little acts of service, I realized that he was saying thank you.

Suffice it to say that we never had to discuss the difference between pagsilbi and subjugation again.

But now, I sometimes let him pour my coffee for me too.

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