The Manila Times: Motherhood, The Great Divide

This article was originally published in The Manila Times, June 2010

They say that mother is one of the world’s greatest equalizers that bind women together regardless of race, culture or social status. In a lot of ways, that is true, what mother doesn’t love her child? The urge to nurture, care for and protect one’s offspring is so ingrained in us that it is quite simply put—instinctive.

Unfortunately, motherhood is also one of the greatest divides of society, which separates the affluent from the marginalized. Maternal health, or more appropriately, its counter-part: maternal mortality is used as a global standard by which the social and economic development of a country is measured.

In many parts of the developing world, the Philippines included, motherhood is met by anxiety and fear that pregnancy might cost them their life. The concept in itself so archaic and medieval—that in this day and age women should continue to die from childbirth complications. Many women from the industrialized countries, or even those from affluent backgrounds in developing countries, will not have to know of this fear and will face impending motherhood with the requisite and expected anticipation rather than anxiety, joy rather than resignation.

The great divide that motherhood poses does not stop there. Over 200 million women who would like to have control over the timing of their pregnancies do not have access to modern contraceptives. Satisfying this unmet need for contraception alone is estimated to reduce the number of maternal deaths because of unsafe abortions by 82 percent. Hundreds of thousands of women die every year from pregnancy and childbirth complications making reproductive health the leading cause of death worldwide among women ages 15 to 44, but experts say that 90 percent of these deaths are preventable.

In the Philippines, four babies are born every minute. By the time you finish reading this article; anywhere between 8 to 20 babies would have been born. There are an estimated 3.4 million pregnancies each year; more than half of which were unwanted or unplanned. Expanding access to contraception could result in 800,000 fewer unplanned births, 200,000 fewer miscarriages and 500,000 fewer induced abortions. It could also prevent as many as 2,100 maternal deaths each year. And that’s only in the Philippines.

Much of this is also due to our own failure to recognize this problem, our own apathy or our own self-righteousness. An indifference that starts from the government’s unwillingness to fund reproductive health programs and services that would allow women even from the most marginalized backgrounds to plan and limit their pregnancies. (Since USAID stopped providing contraceptive devices [condoms, pills, intrauterine device] to the Philippines in 2008, the government has not moved to fill in the gap left by foreign funding).

It is the blind eye that the Catholic Church uses to look at our massive annual population growth that continues to fuel this dynasty of poverty for more than two thirds of all Filipinos. Science and the statistics representing the number of lives lost and more importantly, the number of lives that could have been saved are blind-sided in the name of an ideology called morality. An ideology that unfortunately, does nothing to put food on the table or comfort orphaned children. It is the self-righteousness of other people who blame women for accidental, unplanned or frequent pregnancies—as if women get pregnant by themselves.

More often than not, it is even the women who are more judgmental, riding on their own sanctimonious high. The consequence of this is far-reaching. It is the same women with upturned noses who will raise little boys into men who perpetuate this coddling macho culture that absolves them of blame and of responsibility of sowing their seeds.

Before changing government policies, lobbying for additional funding, perhaps what we should change first is our mindset. The same mindset that dictates the moral turpitude and self-righteousness with which we look at unwanted pregnancies and self-induced abortions. Changing this mindset will also shatter this feeling of fatalism that maternal death is a cause of nature; something that can not be helped—the feeling of acceptance that nothing can be done about maternal deaths when all evidence of science indicates the contrary.

The second thing that needs to be done is to educate girls. Simply educating girls will open their doors to opportunities, their minds to possibilities and lift their spirits to fight for their right to have control over their bodies and their future. Studies show that women who have completed their secondary education decide to have a skilled health worker present at their delivery 84 percent of the time—which translates to a higher chance of survival for mother and baby.

All the discussion about skilled birth attendants, about legalizing life-saving drugs that midwives can administer as part of performing emergency care are also all viable ways to curb and avoid maternal death. But with the simple act of educating more girls, which is also their human right is taking the problem on from a preventive stand point rather than a reactive one.

We have to make a conscious decision as a society, as individuals and as human beings to end the senseless death of women and bring motherhood to its rightful place as an occasion of happiness and a celebration of life.

Only then can motherhood be truly regarded as a universal equalizer.

The writer recently attended the Women Deliver Conference in Washington, D.C. on a media scholarship sponsored by Women Deliver. This piece is a reflection of the learning from that conference. For more information on the global advocacy of Women Deliver, log on to http://www.womendeliver.org/.

IRIN News: Philippines: Empowering Mid-Wives

This article was originally published on the IRIN News website.
PHILIPPINES: Empowering midwives to curb maternal deaths

Photo: Courtesy of UNFPA Philippines

Midwives play a crucial role in rural parts of the country

MANILA,, 26 May 2010 (IRIN) – Giving midwives access to further training in life-saving skills could prevent up to 80 percent of maternal deaths in the Philippines, says Rosalie Paje, division chief of the Family Health Office under the Department of Health (DOH).

“Midwives play a crucial role in providing maternal healthcare, especially in geographically isolated and disadvantaged areas and those affected by armed conflict where doctors and nurses are scarce,” Paje said.

According to the 2007 UN Development Programme (UNDP) Philippines Mid-Term Progress Report on the Millennium Development Goals (MDG), the number of maternal deaths per 100,000 live births has declined from 209 in 1993 to 162 deaths in 2006, but it is unlikely the MDG 2015 target of a maternal mortality ratio (MMR) of 52 will be met.

“The MMR here in the Philippines is atrociously high,” says Alberto Romualdez, former DOH secretary and now vice-president of The Family Planning Forum, an NGO that supports programmes in effective reproductive health.

Midwives crucial to maternal care

According to Patricia Gomez, president of the Integrated Midwives Association of the Philippines (IMAP), there are an estimated 17,500 midwives registered under the Professional Regulation Commission (PRC) working in the public health sector. Midwives usually earn between US$100 and $300 a month.

But that is barely enough to service the 41,841 barangays (the smallest government unit) throughout the archipelago nation.

According to the National Demographic Health Survey (NDHS) of 2008, only 44 percent of births in the Philippines occur in health facilities; 56 percent of children are still delivered at home.

Under Philippine law, licensed midwives are authorized to carry out the supervision and care of women during pregnancy, labour and management of normal deliveries, including the administration of an oxytocin drug to prevent and treat haemorrhage after the delivery of the placenta.

According to Yolanda Oliveros, coordinator of the joint programme on maternal and newborn heath at the UN Population Fund (UNFPA), “Midwives are not allowed to handle emergency cases alone such as high-risk pregnancies or administer life-saving drugs such as magnesium sulphate and steroids.”

Empowering midwives

However, health experts are lobbying for amendments to the midwifery law to allow midwives to administer such medicines.

The leading causes of maternal deaths include pregnancy-induced hypertension, post-partum bleeding and post-abortion complications.

Photo: David Swanson/IRIN

56 percent of all births take place in the home

According to the DOH Maternal Mortality by Cause Report, updated in June 2009, hypertension complicated by pregnancy comprises 29 percent of the causes of maternal deaths, and partum haemorrhage 15 percent – the second and third leading causes of maternal death.

Others are sepsis, obstructed labour and complications around unsafe abortion – most of which are preventable with proper diagnosis and intervention.

“To address these direct causes of deaths, giving oxytocin during active management of the third stage of labour [after delivery] is very important to prevent and treat post-partum bleeding. Magnesium sulphate is very important to prevent and manage occurrence of eclampsia or convulsion brought about by severe hypertension. Giving of antibiotics is also essential to control existing infection,” says Oliveros.

However, this suggestion has met resistance from the Philippine Obstetrical and Gynaecological Society (POGS).

“Magnesium sulphate, if not properly administered, can cause respiratory failure and kidney shutdown,” Regta Pichay, POGS president, says.

However, given the urgent need to curb the MMR, Pichay says the POGS is ready to train mid-wives to administer magnesium sulphate and oxytocin after the third stage of labour.

“Midwives are already administering oxytocin during the fourth stage of labour or after the expulsion of the placenta, as prescribed by law. But many times, this is too late. We would like to be able to accredit them to issue it after the third stage of labour or after the delivery of the foetus,” says IMAP president Gomez.

Countdown to 2015

POGS, with the UNFPA, has started the MDG Countdown Programme where midwives will be trained and supervised in tertiary hospitals for the administration of oxytocin and magnesium sulphate. An estimated 600 midwives will undergo the pilot programme.

“After six months of training, they will be issued a certificate of proficiency based on performance.  Only then will they be deployed to the marginalised communities such as the mountain provinces of Ifugao, Leyte, Samar, Bicol and the ARMM [Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao],” Pichay said.

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Five Weeks of School at the Office

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This article was posted on Inquirer Lifestyle in May 2010

Fifteen (15) Students Get the Chance to Intern at a Topnotch Advertising Firm

WAKING UP EARLY EVERYDAY and clocking in 8 hours in an office may not sound like a fun way to spend your summer vacation. But not for a select group of 15 interns who are getting a taste of ad agency life at the BBDO Guerrero Proximity office.

This is the “office” where the character of Bayantel DSL’s Lola Techie was created. This is the creative space where words like Pizza Hut’s “Hate Late” were thought of and made so powerful that they caught on and has become part of the local vernacular. This is the home of the multi-awarded, internationally acclaimed ad agency.

The office doesn’t resemble a traditional space, where people are boxed into their individual cubicles and suffocated by drab carpeting. For one thing, the company name isn’t rendered as a stiff light box design of letters jutting out of the walls. Instead, bold red and black letters in stylized graffiti overflowing from a jeepney icon announce the company name.

In various little corners and nooks, people are sitting on beanbags with feet propped up on pillows, pounding at their laptops. There is a ping-pong table where you can go and work off some stress, and a small bar set up with waist-high cement bar chairs where you can get some coffee and water. There’s no alcohol at the bar, but the overall look is still one of post-industrial chic.

Brainchild

For the next five weeks, BBDO is serving as the “campus” for select students participating in the School of Fine Ideas Summer Internship Program.

A brainchild of BBDO that immerses students in the world of advertising, the program covers every aspect of the business, such as Strategic Planning, Account Management, Digital Marketing and Creative Development.

“We love advertising! And we want to find people who love it, too,” says David Guerrero, BBDO’s chairman and chief creative director. “We want to connect with like-minded people.”

“We’ve done courses like this on a smaller scale, but this is the first time we have done something this extensive,” he adds.

Guerrero laments that there is no school devoted solely to advertising in the Philippines, unlike in Europe and the United States.

At the end of the 5-week period, the interns will get to test their mettle and prepare a pitch for an actual BBDO Guerrero Proximity client and present it to senior agency management.

Qualifications

To get into the program, the 15 interns had to best other entries for a slot in the School of Fine Ideas by producing their own 30-second video, where they pitch their qualifications for the program.

“I was really impressed with the curriculum,” says Kata Pecson, a BA Communications/BS Management student from the Ateneo de Manila University. “I know for sure I won’t just be stapling during my internship or mixing coffee!”

“Besides,” she adds, “I hate ugly ads!”

For Mishi del Rosario, a Communication Arts student from De La Salle University, “We do pitches and ad campaigns all the time for our own classes. Except here, everyone seems to love their jobs, which isn’t the way we feel about our classes!,” she says, laughing.

Del Rosario says her participation in the program was not driven by the need to complete mandated OJT requirements.

“I couldn’t pass up the chance to be get some training from BBDO,” she explains.

“We also get to meet David Guerrero!” says a giggling female student. “He is like the Brad Pitt of advertising,” says another.

There’s a cash prize of P10,000 for the team with the winning pitch. But for these students, the work experience and training are good enough reasons to junk their summer vacations for a stint in the office.

Female Network: FAQS on Sex during pregnancy

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This article was posted on femalenetwork.com in May 2010 on SAS

FN clears up the whats, whens, and hows of having sex while you’re pregnant in this Q & A. By Ana Santos

Many joke that the best part about having sex during pregnancy is that you’re perfectly safe—that is to say, you’re not likely to get pregnant again. Still, others are concerned about the repercussions of sex during pregnancy and may be too embarrassed to ask their doctors about it. That’s a perfectly natural reaction; whether it’s about the misconceptions, your fears or insecurities about your pregnancy, or other things fueled by raging hormones, you’re sure to have a lot of questions about sex during pregnancy.

Female Network sat down with Dr. Margarita dela Rosa, an OB-GYN at Medical Plaza Makati, and got the real score on the most common questions she gets from her patients when it comes to sex and pregnancy.

Q: Is it really okay to have sex all throughout my pregnancy?

A: “That’s really the number one question I’m asked,” says Dr. dela Rosa. “The short answer to that is under normal circumstances, it is permissible to have sex during pregnancy.”  Dela Rosa stressed the importance of normal circumstances. “As long as you do not have any complications like in the first trimester like bleeding or spotting or any indications of placenta previa [a condition where the placenta lies low on the uterus or covers the cervix, which may cause bleeding], it’s perfectly OK.”

Other conditions where sex during pregnancy may not allowed is if there is a history of miscarriage,  threatened abortion, a multiple pregnancy or any other health problems.

Q: Can the baby see what we’re doing?

A: “That’s more an old wives’ tale,” says dela Rosa. She says that there is no truth at all to the idea that the baby can see its parents having sex from inside the uterus.

“First of all, the baby is inside the uterus and the cervix is closed. Since the baby is inside, swimming in amniotic fluid of the mother, we can assume that it’s dark,” explains dela Rosa, giving the scientific explanation as to why the baby is protected by two things: amniotic fluid and your cervical plug.

And yes, in case you’re wondering, even if you’re blessed with a partner who is mightily endowed, his penis still won’t reach all the way past your cervix to “meet” the baby.

Q: Will the motions hurt my baby?

A: No. Unless you’re going to really rough it up, the motions of a usual romp won’t hurt your baby. It just may seem awkward as your tummy gets bigger and you may have to prioritize a position that is more comfortable than adventurous.

Dela Rosa recommends doing it side-to-side or in any position where the mom is most comfortable. Sexual positions of any kind are safe throughout most of the pregnancy; there is one caution about having sex flat on your back in the later trimester, as this position can decrease blood flow to the mother and cause light-headedness or fainting.

Myths surrounding sexual positions and the effect these may have on the baby are also prevalent. Keep in mind that your baby is protected by two things: amniotic fluid and your cervical plug. No matter what type of position you have sex in, your partner’s penis cannot touch or injure the baby.

Q: Can sex cause a miscarriage?

A: No. The fact is that most miscarriages are caused by biological problems with the mother, or biological problems with the baby; sex will not cause a miscarriage risk if a woman is carrying a normal healthy pregnancy.

Q: Orgasms are said to cause premature labor. Does that mean I shouldn’t have orgasms?

A: No, you can still look forward to those Os your partner gives you, even when you’re pregnant. The facts are that a woman’s orgasm can cause contractions in the uterus, and these are the same contractions that are felt during labor. Extensive studies have shown that, in a normal pregnancy, orgasms will not result in premature labor or birth.

Q: Will it hurt?

A: Many women think sex during pregnancy will be painful. On the contrary, the vaginal area will be engorged with blood so it’s more elastic and stretchable, which makes it more comfortable.

Q: What if I’m not in the mood?

A: First, Miranda said it on Sex and the City, “No wonder you’re supposed to be married when you’re pregnant” in relation to her increasing libido and sexual urges.

For some women, there’s a heightened want for sex during pregnancy, but for others, it may be the opposite because of the morning sickness and other related symptoms. Also, a woman may feel less physically attractive because of the weight gain that results from pregnancy, which may decrease sex drive. You should remember, however, that weight gain is normal and try to focus on the fact that you are already a mother to the child inside you. That’s got to make you one of the most beautiful things in the world. If you’re still feeling down and out, though, a little self-pampering may help you feel prettier.

Here are some things to remember when it comes to sex during pregnancy and pregnancy in general:

1. Always keep up with your prenatal visits. This will allow your doctor to monitor your health and that of your baby’s. Most importantly, your doctor can alert you should anything change in your condition that will prevent you from having sex.

2. A caring, understanding, and supportive partner is a wonderful thing to have. Imagine yourself struggling through a day’s worth of PMS—now multiply that PMS with a boat load more of hormones. Some pregnant women are just like that. It’s not pleasant, so make sure your partner understands what it is you’re going through. However, it’s also  a good idea to make sure you let him know how much you appreciate his being there for you.

3. A sense of humor will carry you through. Pregnancy is awkward and as you get bigger even walking may seem like waddling. Knockin’ boots may seem challenging with such a big belly; if you find yourself lactating early in the latter part of your pregnancy, being wet may take on a whole different meaning. Don’t take yourself too seriously—sex is awkward and messy, even when you’re not pregnant (and if it’s not, you may want to rethink your approach to it).  Humor can take you a long way in terms of fighting off that awkwardness.

Female Network: How to pick the right OB-GYN for you

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If educational background and length of experience in the medical field are important to you, then take advantage of verifying the doctor’s credentials on websites like RXPinoy.com.

Where is his or her clinic, and what are its facilities?

Most doctors hold clinics in more than one hospital and have different timeslots for each. Check if the locations are easily accessible to public transportation or if parking is readily available. It’s also a plus if your doctor holds a clinic near your home or workplace or on your route home.

You may also want to check out the facilities available. Doctors with clinics in a hospital will frequently have access to the hospital’s women’s health center and its complement of facilities. However, if your doctor’s clinic is not in a hospital, you may want to find out if it has the necessary equipment for a full checkup in-house or at a nearby location so you don’t have waste time traveling between your doctor’s clinic and the facility where you can have tests done. For example, you should check if the clinic has an ultrasound—contrary to popular opinion, these are commonly used to examine non-pregnant women as well as pregnant ones!

Do the clinic hours fit in with your schedule?

This is really important because, while it may be tempting to wait till the weekend before going to the doctor, this may also be the time when most patients come in for a consultation. You might end up spending most of your weekend queuing for your turn. So you should try to get a doctor whose clinic hours often coincide with your free time.

If the doctor’s clinic is near your place of work and is open during the lunch hour, it’ll make it easier to slip out for a consultation during your midday break.

Can the doctor explain things to you in a way that is easy to understand?

The medical field is filled with big long words that to a non-doctor are not only alienating but sometimes also intimidating. Make sure your doctor is someone who is patient enough to break down medical jargon so as not to cause premature alarm.

“My pap smear showed abnormal cells which I was told might be indicative of pre-cancerous cells. I was referred to another procedure called a colposcopy for a biopsy. These words freaked me out, and I was really, really scared,” says Isabelle, 32.

“Thank god, my OB explained to me the other possible results of a pap smear. She  mollified me by saying that the ‘abnormal cells’ found in my pap smear were known to be one of the more benevolent findings when compared to others and the additional examination was just to be very, very prudent,” concludes Isabelle who says that this explanation, though lengthy, went a long way in putting her premature fears to rest.

You’ll want an OB-GYN who cares about your feelings, like Isabelle’s does, so she or he will lay any unqualified fears to rest. This is a very important quality to have because, should you have any conditions or diseases that need treatment, this type of doctor would be able to explain what’s going on, your options for treatment, and any repercussions in a way you can understand as well.

Is the OB-GYN reachable even after clinic hours?

If you’ve forgotten to take your pill and want to be doubly sure about not getting pregnant, or if you’ve engaged in unprotected sex and are worried it could have unwanted consequences, can your OB be reached by phone? More importantly, will he or she allow consultations during non-clinic hours?

Be careful about going overboard with the questions though, because you just might be surprised when you get the bill for your next consultation. Gigi, a birth plan consultant says, “Some doctors will charge you for consultations made through SMS or phone call. They’re less than actual face-to-face clinic consultations, but these can add up.”

For non-urgent questions, it may be better to wait for your next appointment. You should also use your appointment time to clear up any “what ifs” and “just in cases.”

Is the OB-GYN non-judgmental?

Theresa, an OB-GYN who asked that she not be named, admitted that because of her religious beliefs, she doesn’t do tubal ligations and simply refers her patients who request for this procedure to another doctor.

If it is important to you that your doctor not let moral beliefs influence her practice, then this is something that you might want to consider.  Ann, a 28-year-old bank employee, steered clear of such doctors when she was looking for a prescription for birth control pills because she was not married.

“I did ask one doctor point blank if she had a problem with prescribing pills to me seeing that I wasn’t married [in my chart], and she said that she had no problem at all with that. It was a great relief to me,” shares Ann.

Can you see yourself consulting this OB-GYN for a long time?

You’re going to need the services and expertise of an OB-GYN for a long time—ideally, from the time that you start becoming sexually active, all the way to your menopausal years. In case we weren’t clear at the start, you’ll need to see an OB-GYN regularly, and not just when you are pregnant! Look at your OB-GYN as your partner in sexual and reproductive health. So when you think of choosing an OB-GYN, as you would with a partner, pick one you can see yourself with for a long time.

Painting the Town Pink: A Salute to Ang Ladlad

I first met Danton Remoto in Bali at an international AIDS conference (ICAAP9) last year. I was attending as a media scholar and he was attending as the Communications Officer for the UNDP (United Nations Development Program).

We sat beside each other in the pressroom while I was reviewing the slides for a presentation. I was going to make about campaigning for safer sex in the Philippines. One slide in my presentation included a European condom commercial. The commercial had, ehem, distinct sounds of people in the midst of copulating and not knowing that the volume of my computer was turned up rather high, I had inevitably filled the newsroom with sounds of moans and groans. It sent the otherwise busy journalists pounding away at their keyboards, giggling. Read more

WMN.PH: Surviving Single Motherhood

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This article was published in wmn.ph in April 2010.

It’s been eight and a half years and the question that I am most often asked now is: “How did you do it?” The wonder that accompanies this question, which sometimes borders on amazement, still surprises me. By Ana Santos

It’s such departure from the range of emotion that accompanied the early years.

In the beginning, I was 27 years old and had walked out on my marriage with my five-month old daughter in tow. I was assailed with questions: What happened? What now? Are you okay?

Back then, things were a lot simpler in the sense that I had one blanket answer to all of the above, a resounding “I don’t know.”

The answer to the question is much more complicated. Surviving a failed marriage and single motherhood involves a combination of ingenuity, grit, and spunk – a cocktail of guerilla tactics softened with – if you can muster it – a dollop of humor.

So here are some spoons full of sugar to help you swallow the bitter pill of a failed marriage and the daunting role of single motherhood, sans the cliche. Because really, everyone’s offers of: “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” won’t cut it.

Detach yourself.

Yes, that’s right. Detach yourself from anything and everything that will deepen your misery starting with the negative people and the malls.

At the start, you will be barraged by questions and slapped with heaps of judgment and unsolicited advice. You may get enough of the “shoulda, woulda, coulda” to last you a lifetime. Sniff out these people – and snuff them out. Avoid their company at all costs – they won’t make you feel any better and really, you don’t need any of the pontification.

Oh and resist the temptation to go to the mall to do some “window shopping” to make you feel better. When your self-esteem is sagging, the Sale! sign may spring hopes of salvation, but your credit card bill will nuke that.

Look good. Feel good.

My mantra was and still is: I can’t be ugly, losyang, and separated.” The horror of such a thought would get me through the days when depression prevented me from even getting out of bed.

This is not the time when you will want to wear your emotions on your sleeve. And no, looking good should not bust the bank. This is not the time for a mindless spending binge, but looking good will require you to re-adjust and perhaps downstream your tastes a bit.

The beauty of living in a country like the Philippines is that there are a number of substitutes. There are always cheaper versions of things (Read more about the Laws of Substitution in the sidebar.).

You just copy paste. Your major fashion investment should be fashion clips from a magazine or a style website. Just look at the trends, go to the nearest bazaar or SM, then copy and paste.

Work the M.I.L.F syndrome

You may find yourself catapulted to the status of M.I.L.F. (Mom I Like to F***), without joining the rebel group. Men will view your vulnerability as being an easy lay, a lonely woman who is in dire need of a man’s attention. They have absolutely no clue that on most days, you can’t even remember if put on your underwear, much less be enticed by the idea of taking it off for someone.

Some people may argue that the best way to get over someone is to be under another. Hold that thought. Wait until you’ve put yourself together and gotten your life back on track. You’ll be in a much better position to be under, over, or on top of someone when you do.

Idle time is the enemy…sometimes even more than your ex.

The hardest part is getting used to doing things by yourself after years of being part of a couple. It is the mundane things that you never had to think about before like – what to do on a Friday night or suddenly realizing that you don’t have a ready companion to a company function – that may pull you into a tail spin of sudden depression.

Find things to do that will keep you preoccupied. Read a book, learn a new skill or language, run a race – anything that will keep you from thinking too much. Running, or any other sport, actually has the benefit of making you too tired to think.

Learn to do man things

Bouts of depression may pummel you when you suddenly realize that you don’t know how to work the other buttons on the remote control or how to fix your car. It’s a feeling of sudden helplessness that will re-start the feelings of inadequacy.

Learn how to do those things yourself. You only need to surf the Net to get instructions on working anything from a remote control to an engine.

It’s a pain, but you’ll love the feeling of newfound independence it will give you.

Sometimes you have to will yourself to feel better before actually do.

Allow yourself to cry, to grieve, or break things and scream. The break-up of a marriage is the death of a once simple dream of having children and growing old with someone. Don’t wallow in the overwhelming feelings of grief; look at it in the eye while telling yourself you’ll get through it.

Remember that being alone is not the same as being on your own.

It’s not the breakup of a marriage that makes you a failure. It’s what you make of yourself after it that does. The failed marriage may break you, but it’s how you define your own happiness after that will make you.

Lifestyle Asia: Five Days in Jordan

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This travel feature was first published in the April 2010 edition of Lifestyle Asia Travel

“The white city” may seem too modern a description for an ancient land like Jordan where legendary men – Jesus, John, Moses, Abraham – all of whom need no last name to be recognized once breathed, lived and walked. Before any travel book could make reference to it, much was already written about Jordan in the one book that will forever be a timeless classic – the Bible.

Upon landing in Amman, the capital of Jordan, you will see that the nickname “the white city” is quite appropriate. The city’s sandy desert hills are peppered with low – storied sprawling houses and villas, all constructed using white stones.

At sunset, this canvas of beiges, tans and whites nestled in the bronze-like desert sand, catches the rays of the sun, creating a scene of glow and illumination.

Amman is one of the oldest inhabited cities in the world. Homes and towers believed to have been built during the Stone Age were discovered and excavated in the mid 90s.

Amman is both a strategic and central place to start exploring the rest of Jordan and getting to know its ancient past.

Going around Amman in circles

In history, Amman is referred to as “Philadelphia”, a city reconstructed in typical Roman architecture style with colonnaded streets, baths, and amphitheaters under the rule of Roman King Herod in 30 B.C.

Originally spread over seven hills like Rome, Amman’s geography is often described in relation to its eight circles or hills (known as jabals), which each define a neighborhood.

The most popular of these hills is the First Circle, a trendy neighborhood with interesting shops, boutiques and centuries-old houses, located near downtown. One of the noted personalities to have visited First Circle is Angelina Jolie, who is occasionally in Jordan en route to Iraq or Syria Angelina on her missions as UNHCR Goodwill Ambassador.

The best known part of the Amman First Circle Area is Rainbow Street, which takes its name from Rainbow Cinema. On Fridays, a small side-street branching out of Rainbow Street is converted into an open street market selling trinkets and other interesting souvenir items.

Khirfan Street is the street closest to the downtown are and is one of Amman’s oldest.  Beautifully restored houses dating back to the 1920s and 1930s now house craft shops, the Jordanian Handicrafts Producers Association and museums.

The ancient Citadel towers above the city from atop Jabal al-Qala’a. In the Citadel,  the ruins of the Temple of Hercules and the Jordan Archeological Museum with artifacts dating back to prehistoric times to the 15th century may be found. Though small, the Jordan Archeological Museum has an excellent collection of antiquities like Dead Sea Scrolls and four rare Iron Age sarcophagi.

At the foot of the Citadel is the 5,000 seat Roman theater, which dates back to the 2^nd century A.D. The massive amphitheater was cut into the northern side of a hill that once served as a necropolis (graveyard) and is still used periodically for sporting and cultural events.

In the evening, the residential district of Amman known as Abdoun is the place to be and be seen. Known as Amman’s center of nightlife, Abdoun’s many posh bars and clubs are frequented by tourists and young Jordanians. Nearby parking lots filled with flashy, expensive cars attest that this is a favorite affluent hang out.

Petra

Two hours (some 262 kilometers or 160 miles) south of Amman is the lost ancient city of Petra, undisputedly one of Jordan’s most famous attractions.

Now a UNESCO world heritage site, this entire city carved in stone 2,000 years ago was lost to the world for centuries.  Little is known about the Nabateans, the tribal nomadic people who built Petra as their secret fortress.

Swiss traveler and geographer, Johann Ludwig Burkhardt re-discovered Petra in 1812. Burkhardt’s drawings and descriptions of the magnificent ancient brought Petra to the attention of the modern world inspiring Victorian traveler and poet, Dean Burgeon, to write about Petra saying: “Match me such a marvel save in Eastern clime, a rose red city half as old as time.” To this day, Petra is called the ‘Rose City”, in reference to the hue of its rock and sand.

Because of its distance from Amman and the time required to explore Petra’s sprawling majesty, (at least one entire day to walk around the city at leisure is needed), you may opt to stay at any of the hotels overlooking Petra in the town of Wadi Musa. Restaurants and souvenir shops are also available here and you can enjoy a good meal and have a bit of time to rest before taking the Petra by Night tour. A recent attraction, Petra by Night allows you to experience the grandeur and antiquity of the city by candlelight.

The tour starts at night fall. Travelers walk to through Petra’s entrance known as the “Siq”. This long winding passage measures about one kilometer and lies between overhanging cliffs that are more than 300 feet overhead. The entire pathway is lit up by an estimated 1,800 candles are put in paper bags weighed down by sand and pebbles. The effect is in equal parts moving and enrapturing.

At the end of the siq, the entire area in front of The Treasury is decorated with more candles. Travelers can comfortably sit on mats and enjoy hot tea served in small plastic cup while a Bedouin plays melodic hymms on a flute. Sitting among candles, listening to hypnotic music under the light of the moon and enjoying a cool night breeze is an unequalled romantic and nostalgic experience.

Petra is just as amazing in the daytime, though considerably hotter. The huge open expanse of land that, at some points, stretches as far as the eye can see, can be quite daunting to explore on foot. Some tourists have taken to using the camels or donkeys offered by the Bedouin tribes that still live within Petra. Others, armed with comfortable walking shoes, caps and other protective head gear and tons of sunblock, dare to walk.

Petra’s most famous monument The Treasury (also known as el Khazneh) is one of the most elegant remains of antiquity. Carved out of the solid rock from the mountain, it stands nearly 140 feet high and 90 feet wide. The Treasury may be familiar even to a first-time visitor as it has been featured in movies like Indiana Jones and most recently, Transformers

Beyond The Treasury, the city opens in sprawling splendor to soaring temples, elaborate royal tombs, a massive curved Roman theater, large and small houses, burial chambers, colossal banquet halls, water channels and reservoirs, bathes, staircases, and paved streets.

A must-see is The Monastery. Though the climb to see it is steep and treacherous, there are little stores along the way where you can make a stop and get something to drink or catch your breath. On your way up, you may find yourself asking the tourists who are on their way down if you should still proceed and if the famed Monastery is truly worth it.

More than half-way to the Monastery, you can look down to see how far you have climbed and get an aerial view of Petra. Your breath may catch in your throat as you marvel at the ancient civilization who built this wonder thousands of years ago.

Once at the Monastery, you can observe the Bedouin families as they go about their daily chores of herding their goats and getting water from the low lying regions of Petra. To this day, there are Bedouin tribes who still call the caves of Petra their home.

The walk down from the Monastery will be a more leisure one as you leave Petra with memories of an enchanting evening and an even more enchanting lost city.

Pampering Fit for a Queen

After the trip to Petra, you can treat yourself to pampering in the royal traditions of Cleopatra and the Queen of Sheba, women known to be quintessential lovers of indulgent and decadent pleasures.

This lap of luxury is to be found at the Dead Sea, a short 55 kilometer drive from Amman.

Popular legend has it that the Queen of Sheba was the first to discover and advocate the healing powers of the Dead Sea. Later, Cleopatra built the first ever spa along its shores.

Thousands of years after their discovery, modern day resorts and spas have sprouted along the banks of the Dead Sea, hosting the tourists who come to revel in the majesty of its the landscape which has virtually remained unchanged since ancient times.

With a surface that is more than 1,300 feet below sea level, the Dead Sea is known to be the lowest point of the earth. Its deepest part, the very bottom of the sea, is over 2,300 feet below sea level. The Dead Sea is also known to be one of the saltiest bodies of the world.

In Jordan, all rivers lead to the Dead Sea. Once the waters reach the Dead Sea they are land-locked and have nowhere to go, so they evaporate. This natural continuous evaporation leaves behind a dense, rich mixture of salts and minerals, accounting for the Dead Sea being six times as salty as regular sea water. It is the salinity and density that allows one to float buoyantly in the water.

The Dead Sea is mentioned several times in the Bible as the cite of the cities: Sodom, Gomorrah, Adman, Zebouin and Zoar. King Herod built several fortresses and palaces on the Western Bank of the Dead Sea, including the fortress of  Masada where John the Baptist was said to have been imprisoned and died.

As the name suggests, the sea is devoid of life due to an extremely high content of salts and minerals. However, it is these natural elements which give the waters their healing powers. Bath salts and cosmetic products which are marketed world wide for these curative powers are made with raw materials from the Dead Sea.

One wonders how something where no living thing can live or survive can boast of powers to heal. The Dead Sea’s healing powers – presumably due to its abundance of chloride salts of magnesium, sodium, potassium, bromine and other minerals — were first chronicled in the Bible.

Taking a dip into the Dead Sea, you will find that the water is warm, thick and heavy, as if enveloping you.  Tiny nicks and cuts that you otherwise would not have known you had will begin to react to the salinity of the water, bringing on a stinging sensation. If by accident (or just out of sheer curiosity), you taste the water, the acrid taste may cause temporary numbness of your lips.

You can actually stay afloat holding the same position whilst reading a magazine or newspaper and having a drink — if you can last long enough, that is. You cannot bathe in the Dead Sea for very long because it causes dehydration. You can only stay for a maximum of 15 minutes.

An information bulletin posted at the foot of the Dead Sea says that the mud from the Dead Sea silicates and has a skin tightening power effect that “removes flabbiness caused by pregnancy or sudden weight loss.” This is probably what the Queen of Sheba and Cleopatra had known all along and this knowledge is now passed on to all visitors of the Dead Sea.

At a large clay urn found at the edge of the rocks, visitors take turns generously slathering rich, thick black mud on their entire body. As the mud needs to be left on the skin for awhile, it is not at all unusual to see people covered from neck to toe in mud walking around. It doesn’t take long for the mud to bake in the Jordanian sun and another dip in the water is needed to rinse off.

As the end of the day draws near, one can lay back and enjoy the Jordanian sunset.The sun stays a perfectly shaped yellow circle that sits quietly in the horizon. It takes its time to slip away, all the while not changing its color, but nonetheless not failing to bathe the sea with its light that catches the ripples in the water making it twinkle. When the sun falls, its brilliance is replaced with the twinkling of the lights on the opposite shores of Israel, which shares a side of the Dead Sea with Jordan.

It is this simple, unparalleled serenity of nature that is a fitting end to this visit to an enchanting land of antiquity and royalty.

Female Network: Facts and Fictions on Safe and Safer Sex

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This article was originally posted in the  March edition of Female Network.com

How safe is the sex you’re having? FN doles out the facts to help you stay protected. By Ana Santos

Of course you’re familiar with the term “safe sex”—who isn’t?  But do you know the term “safer sex?”

Safer sex means sexual contact that does not involve any exchange of blood, semen, or vaginal fluids.

Technically, and in absolute terms, sex cannot be guaranteed as 100 percent safe. That’s why the term “safer sex” is considered to be more appropriate by many sexual health advocacy groups.

However, encouraging safer sex is harder said than done, not the least because of people’s insufficient or incorrect knowledge about how to practice it—and many people are ignorant of their ignorance. Check out these statements concerning safer sex that many people believe in, but which may not actually be true. Find out what’s right and what’s not by reading on.

Fact or fiction? It’s okay to go bareback (no condom) as long as my guy puts on a condom right before ejaculation.

FICTION. Don’t be tempted to go for a skin-to-skin feel. Even pre-ejaculate, the clear, colorless fluid that comes out of a mans’ penis when he is aroused, can cause infection. Plus studies show that there is also a small chance that you can become pregnant with pre-ejaculate, so why take the risk?

Fact or fiction? After hitting the home run, I shouldn’t let my guy linger inside me for a while, even if he’s wearing a condom.

FACT. After ejaculation, while holding the rim of the condom to prevent any leakage, the penis should be pulled out while still hard. Letting him grow “soft” inside means he won’t fit snugly into the condom anymore and semen may seep out.

Fact or fiction? Kissing, cuddling, masturbation, phone sex, and watching erotic films together are all forms of safer sex.

FACT. Yes; as all of the above activities do not involve an exchange of bodily fluids, these are to be considered safer sex options.

Fact or fiction? Condoms should also be used for oral sex.

FACT. As a general rule of thumb, a condom should be used for any kind of sex—vaginal, anal, and yes, even for oral sex—as a cut or a rash in your mouth can expose you to certain infections. Before switching from oral sex to vaginal sex, you should also use a new condom.

If you find the thought of having to “taste” a condom yucky, try flavored condoms like LICK wild tutti frutti and juicy strawberry made with real fruit flavors. Flavored condoms (note that flavored is different from scented) make oral sex pleasurable, safe, and, well, tasty.

Fact or fiction? It’s only normal that penetration is sometimes painful and uncomfortable and has no impact on safe sex.

FICTION. While you can experiment with different positions that make penetration more pleasurable, you should also check for vaginal dryness. Vaginal dryness is a common condition that may be brought about by the fluctuating hormones of menopause, smoking, childbirth (post partum), or breastfeeding, as well as certain medications. These bring down your estrogen levels, making your vagina extra-dry and irritated.

Penetration when you’re not lubricated adds friction which may cause tears in the condom.  Lubricants can make sex both more pleasurable and safe by reducing the risk of condom breakage. Just be sure you are using the right kind of lubricant.

Fact or fiction? Vaseline Petroleum Jelly or lotion can be also be used as a lubricant.

FICTION. Oil-based or petroleum-based products like Vaseline will compromise the integrity of the condom. Make sure to only use water-based lubricants like KY Jelly or silicone-based lubricants specifically intended for male condom use.

Remember: when used properly, lubricants can greatly help reduce the risk of condom breakage.

Fact or fiction? Condoms just decrease pleasure, so I should go on the pill, which will also protect me against STIs/HIV.

FICTION. The pill is effective in preventing untimely or unplanned pregnancy, but it cannot protect you from a sexually transmitted infection. The condom, as certified by the World Health Organization, is the only device that can act as an effective barrier against both sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancy.

Fact or fiction? Condoms are known to break; therefore, they’re not at all reliable.

FICTION. The World Health Organization (WHO) certifies that condoms are effective barriers against herpes simplex, hepatitis B, Chlamydia, and gonorrhea, and can reduce the risk of HIV infection to nearly zero. While some condoms have been known to break, it is more often out of human error rather than manufacturer defect. Don’t use sharp objects like scissors, teeth, or long nails to open a condom wrapper, and always check the expiration date on the pack before using it.

Fact or fiction? I should keep a pack of condoms in my glove compartment just in case.

FICTION. A true girl scout knows that condoms need to be stored in a cool, dry, and dark place, away from humidity, heat, air, and sunlight. The best place to store condoms is your medicine cabinet or your bedside table. Cool, quirky condom storage boxes and compacts are also available online at www.condomania.com

Fact or fiction? Using sex toys poses zero STI/HIV risk infection.

FICTION. The risk may be considered to be low, but the fact is that anything that comes in contact with bodily fluids and goes into a person’s rectum and/or vagina could transmit HIV or other STDs, and this includes sex toys. Never share sex toys, and if you do share a sex toy with your partner, use a new condom on it. Clean sex toys properly after each use—make sure you pay attention to indicated cleaning and care instructions.

Female Network: Sex on the Beach Tips

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Is having sex on the beach best left to your fantasies?

It sounds romantic, but the pitfalls of getting oceanside Os discourage most couples–though if you’re daring and you really want to go for it, come prepared! By Ana Santos

Ever wonder why there’s a drink called Sex on the Beach?

That’s so if you can’t have the real thing, you can always have the drink.

Sex on the beach has got to be the ultimate sex fantasy. Hollywood’s fascination with it goes way back to the 1950s movie From Here to Eternity, which immortalized the image of a young Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr kissing passionately as wild waves engulfed them.

And perhaps for us Filipinos, it’s only natural to fantasize about sex on the beach. The country is after all surrounded by water, giving you about 7,107 islands to choose from as a private spot to sneak in some nookie.  Before you go off to that hot spot, though, here are some things to remember:

Bring a beach mat and a flashlight.

The mats will be useful to prevent sand from getting into the hard to reach places. (Think about how hard it is to get sand out of your cell phone if you drop it on the beach—then think about getting sand in the “unmentionable” parts of your body. It will not be pleasant.) The flashlight, on the other hand, will allow you to avoid the things that go bump in the night like ants and other creepy crawlies.

Wait until dark and find a secluded place that will give you some cover.

Sex on the beach is not really something to be doing in the light of day, so head for your spot before the sun goes down. Picking a spot behind a big rock is ideal. This will not only give you some cover, but will buy you a bit of time to “disengage” if you hear someone approaching. The last thing you want is to have someone walk in on you and suffer not just disruption but also humiliation—or worse, a fine or even jail time.

This is where the flashlight we mentioned comes in handy; you’ll want to find a place that’s far enough off the beaten path that you can be reasonably sure no innocent passerby will happen upon you, and the flashlight will let you keep an eye out for things you might trip over or even help you find ideal nookie nooks.

Be aware of local laws on indecent exposure or behavior in your vacation hot spot.

Remember the high profile case of the British couple who got caught having sex on a beach in Dubai? Those are not the kind of vacation memories you want to bring home.

While getting caught in some places means more embarrassment than real trouble, the authorities in other places may not be half so lenient or open-minded about your practicing your proclivities on their shores. Consider the risks of getting your From Here to Eternity moment, and make sure you are willing to face the consequences if you’re caught. After all, what you’re willing to dare in a place where you’ll be told to just pack up and leave or pay a reasonable fine should be much less in a place where you can be blacklisted from ever entering the country again or lose years of your life serving jail time.

According to this article on Gadling.com, some major tourist destinations have added manpower to their police force for the sole purpose of catching couples in compromising positions. The Spanish party island of Ibiza issues an on-the-spot fine of €700 ($1000) if you get caught. Other countries that will slap with serious fines and penalties for doing more than frolicking on their shores:

-    Sweden: €50
-   Italy: €300 plus up to 2 years in prison
-   Croatia: €150 plus up to 30 days in prison
-   Romania: Up to 7 years in prison
-   Spain: Up to €75,000 (average fine is €700)
-    Thailand: Up to $750
-   Turkey: €200 and up to 2 months in prison
-   Egypt: Up to 3 years in prison
-    Denmark: Up to 4 years in prison
-    France: €15,000 and up to one year in prison
-    Greece: Up to 2 years in prison

Prepare to be quick about it.

One thing about sex on the beach is that it’s not meant to be done at leisure. Leave that for traditional sex in the sack or other, more private, places. Get it on, get up, and get out of there as if you were just taking a casual stroll on the beach. You’ll still get your thrills from the quickie, but you’ll risk much less.

Don’t forget to use protection.

You go to the beach armed with sunblock and sunglasses, right? Add condoms to your shopping list just in case you get lucky. And remember to practice safer sex!

We’re not saying go out and get to home base with the waves crashing near or around you; far from it. It’s infinitely safer (not to mention more hygienic) to do it indoors. If you’ve acknowledged this fact, but still want to try it, even just once, then we suggest following the advice we’ve just given you. If you decide it’s not your thing, though, it doesn’t mean you aren’t liberated or adventurous. And remember, there’s a reason why a cocktail has been christened after sex on the beach—it’s partly to let you bask in the reflected thrill of the adventure of it, and it’s partly to allow you to say that you’ve had sex on the beach, even if you only mean that you had a sex on the beach in a bar.

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